Chapter 5 - REBECCA’S QUESTION
Rebecca asked me:
“Are Grandma and Grandpa bad people?”
I hated the question.
Because children want categories adults cannot honestly provide.
I said:
“They did bad things.”
“Is that different?”
“Yes.”
“How?”
“People can love you and still do things that make them unsafe.”
She thought about that.
“Does Grandma love me?”
“I think she does.”
“Then why did she make us work?”
“Because sometimes adults confuse control with teaching.”
“Did Grandpa mean what he said about you?”
That hurt.
“Some of it.”
She looked shocked.
“I have made mistakes.”
“Like what?”
“I depended on Grandma and Grandpa after Mom died. I stayed too long. I let them make decisions I should have made myself.”
“Is that lazy?”
“No. But sometimes I avoided conflict because I was exhausted.”
I wanted my children to know I was not perfect.
If I built myself into the flawless father and my parents into monsters, eventually reality would contradict me.
Rebecca said:
“You work a lot.”
“I know.”
“Sometimes too much.”
There it was.
Children are efficient.
“Yes.”
“Grandma said that’s because you don’t want us.”
My chest tightened.
“That is not true.”
“I know.”
“How?”
May you like
“Because you always come back.”
I had to look away.
